I love you (I hate you more)
by Cookies and Ink
Summary: The words were thick on her tongue, ones she had never dared to say out loud. In the dead of night, surrounded by enemies and allies who were likely to betray her, she spoke and effectively changed her life forever.


**A/N:** Written for Day 15 of August 2018's Romance Awareness. Prompt: Each soulmate pair has a constellation, and the constellation that you perceive to be the brightest is pointing towards where your soulmate is.

All other prompts and challenges are listed below so as not to give anything away.

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 **I love you (I hate you more)**

Pansy fixed her prefect badge to the front of her robes. The silver 'P' glinted as the firelight caught it when she walked through the common room, her mind a million miles away.

"Where are you off to?" Vincent half reached for her as though to grab her. She stared at him, her disgust clear on her face.

"Out. Are you about to stop me?"

Vincent scowled, mumbling something but Pansy didn't stay to hear what. Turning on her heel, she left their Common Room, hoping to encounter no one else on her way out onto the grounds of the castle. Her boots crunched over the frost covered grass but her eyes were fixed upon a star in the far distance.

It moved as she watched it, blinking out of sight and it took her eyes a few moments of scanning the night sky to find it again, this time far on her right. Her heart had stopped, tortured thoughts running through her mind and she felt faint with relief when the star reappeared, shining brightly against inky black.

She missed him.

She hated that she missed him. She hated that she loved him.

It made no sense, but then nothing she had learnt about soulmate magic seemed too. It seemed random in a lot of ways and Pansy wondered if soulmates really were two people destined to be perfect for each other, or if they just assumed that so grew to love one another. Maybe it was all some sort of ruse. Even so, she couldn't escape the fact that both of them had tried to dispute the magic which intertwined them - and both had ended up being pulled back together.

She breathed in the crisp, cold air deeply and then spun, wand drawn as she heard movement to the side of her. An owl hooted, flying overhead towards the Owlery and Blaise didn't even flinch as she scowled at him. His hands were deep in his pockets, shoulders up by his ears. She had no doubt he was freezing, for Blaise' robes or coats never had heating charms in, he complained that it made the material feel starchy.

"What?"

"I was out here, looking for him," Blaise said and even though they were in darkness, she knew he had a look in his eyes.

"We aren't the same!" Pansy snapped. Blaise didn't answer.

He and Theo had known they were soulmates since they were children before they'd even met at Hogwarts. They'd had the sort of bond which allowed them to see each other in their dreams. The rest of the Slytherins had been baffled by their connection, by the ease with which they moved around one another. It had set them apart, put them on the fringe of things and Pansy had always thought it stupid, isolating and naive to assume that you only needed one person.

Pansy used and then dropped people like they were last season's style. She had been certain that she would become bored by one person. Of course, she'd latched onto Draco Malfoy, his name came with more things than just the blond, narrow-faced boy she had assumed would be her husband.

Then in the summer before her fifth year, she had discovered her soulmate. They had met, both of them unimpressed with the choice that destiny had made for them. At first, they had tried to ignore each other but the pain had grown until with tears in her eyes, she had gone to him. Then they had tried to do the bare minimum and yet slowly, she had grown to know him. He had known how to dance and as she stood there, the cold nipping at her fingertips, she remembered how he'd held her through a waltz and they'd spent a night talking of traditions and wizarding cultures they felt were important to maintain.

She hated that she loved him.

She hated that he had gotten through the spider cracks in her walls and dared to get to know who she was. No one else had ever cared to even try.

"Did you find him?" Pansy asked quietly. Theo had run from his parents who had left more bruises and curses on his body than Pansy wanted to consider. They hadn't thought he deserved the Dark Mark but she had heard rumours, horrible rumours of him being offered to werewolves as a plaything.

Blaise nodded and pointed in the sky. His soulmate constellation was covered by a cloud to Pansy's eyes but she had no doubt he could see it.

"Have you heard anything from him?"

"No, and I don't want too. I don't want the Carrows or anyone else using me to get to him."

Pansy exhaled.

"That's what I keep thinking about, but I need to know Blaise... Every day there's another rumour, there are more things in the paper or -" She stopped herself from speaking, worried that she sounded uncharacteristically hysterical. "You should go."

"Why?"

"Just go Zabini."

"No, I'm here to see you. I know your scheming face and I know that you're planning to do something positively exciting. I'm bored, everything's predictable right now."

She stared at him. Blaise was an unusual ally. He wasn't ambitious like she was, but he only looked out for himself or Theo. Could she trust him? Pansy scoffed at the idea. She trusted no one, especially not her soulmate or even herself when it came to him.

"Don't get on my bad side Zabini," she murmured. He didn't respond but fell into step with her as she walked, further towards the Owlery. That was where she had requested a meeting. To his credit, Zabini kept it together when Longbottom, Finnegan and one of the Patil twins appeared out of the shadows. It was silent, even the owls overhead seemed to still as the five of them looked at each other.

"I want to help you," Pansy said, as assertively as she could. "And frankly, you all need it."

"You lot must all think we're daft," Finnegan muttered. Patil had rolled her eyes but Longbottom just kept looking at them, unreadable. "All we need now is for Snape to come in and say 'I'd do anything for you.' and I'll laugh myself to an early grave.

"Why?" he said finally.

"We have a common enemy," Pansy said and then she glanced towards Blaise.

"And we have people we care about that we want to protect, from that enemy."

"I wasn't aware you were capable of feelings," Patil said with a sardonic laugh. Pansy forced herself not to react.

"Who?"

"Theo, he's on the run right now. Hopefully, he's out of the country but since I'm stuck here, I might as well do something interesting. Fair warning, if I get a chance to leave this hell hole, I'm going to take it."

Longbottom nodded when Blaise finished and then everyone's attention was on Pansy. The words were thick on her tongue, ones she had never dared to say out loud. In the dead of night, surrounded by enemies and allies who were likely to betray her, she spoke and effectively changed her life forever.

"Ron Weasley is my soulmate. We realised two years ago and when we met this summer, I promised to go with him to meet his family. We were going to show people, do our NEWTs together and work out what life might mean but..." She swallowed, her mouth dry. "He's still alive. Whatever they're doing, I don't know. I don't even know what he thinks about me now, but I'm not the person I could have been before. I won't serve the Dark Lord and I won't be some shrinking violet or sex toy for the rest of Slytherin House."

Blaise sighed at that.

"Vincent?" he guessed and she nodded.

"I told you we should kill him."

Patil started but Finnegan merely smiled at Blaise's cool tone.

"You're fucking joking, right? You and Ron? This is how you've decided you're going to infiltrate -"

"Seamus. She's telling the truth. Pavarti put wards all around the Owelry, no one can lie in here. Plus I know." Pansy's eyes went wide and Longbottom gave her a slightly embarrassed smile. "I got lost trying to find my way out of a corridor on the fourth floor. I poked my head out behind a tapestry and you and Ron were talking. I didn't stay long, I just wanted to understand your friendship. I heard enough."

There was a long moment of silence. Pansy didn't know what she wanted but eventually, Neville nodded.

"Okay."

"Okay, what?"

"Okay, we'll be in touch if we need you."

"Try just not being fucking dickheads," Seamus said cheerily. The Gryffindors turned to leave and as they were walked out of the door, Pansy heard Patil turn to Neville.

"We better keep an eye on this one. She's tricky."

Whatever he said in response, she didn't hear as the door closed behind them.

"Part of the underground Resistance. That really should liven things up," Blaise murmured.

"Shut up. I hate you and I hate him more. This was not the life I was supposed to have," Pansy said.

"You could have done nothing though. Instead, you're doing what's right and you're accepting the bond. It might not feel like it, but you're taking control of your life."

"I said shut up," she muttered, striding out of the Owlery. She didn't get to go outside at night often, Vincent was becoming more and more of an obstacle but tonight, all she wanted to do was look at the star which hovered over where Ron Weasley was, and imagine something that felt more like a dream than a possible future.

Back in her dorm, numb from the cold and in shock from the decisions she'd made, Pansy let herself cry. She loved him. With tears on her face, Pansy Parkinson swore that she'd fight for them too.

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 **A/N:**

Character Appreciation: 18. Creature: Owl

Disney Challenge: Q4. "We better keep an eye on this one. She's tricky."

Cookie's Crafty Corner: Knit Stitch: Restriction - include a character whose name starts with V.

Book Club: Ofglen: (scenario) joining a rebel cause, (word) Friendship, (word) Underground

Showtime: 14. (dialogue) "I'd do anything for you."

Amber's Attic: G3. Write about someone covering something up.

Lyric Alley: 5. Run away, they say

Ami's Audio Admirations: Write about someone average or someone who feels that they are average.

Em's Emporium: 21. Write about culture/religion/tradition being an important aspect of somebody's life.

Angel's Arcade: 6. (scenario) You no longer consider your leader an ally, and you want to leave the organization, (setting) underground, (pairing) BlaiseTheo

Lo's Lowdown: Q4. "There is a sacredness in tears. They are not the mark of weakness, but of power. They are messengers of overwhelming grief and unspeakable love." - Washington Irving

Bex's Bazaar: D5. Write from a bully's perspective.

Film Festival: 3. (plot point) Getting along with enemies/rival

Sophie's Shelf: Pansy/Ron (rare pairs)

Days of the Year: Happy Heart Hugs Day: Write about someone struggling from a lack of physical contact.

Shay's Musical Challenge: 3. Les Mis - write about students fighting a war

Gryffindor Prompts Challenge: Parvati Patil, (trait) feisty

Snape Appreciation Challenge: 2. Sleep Draught – write about a sleepless night


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